The Wizard of Ed
by Wizzard and ZephyrSamba
Summary: The first ever collaboration of Wizzard and ZephyrSamba! When the Eds latest scam goes wrong, Sarah and Jimmy are hurled to the land of Oz, where she finds familar faces from the Cul-de-Sac take on roles from the Wizard of Oz! Please R&R.
1. Homemade Weather Conditions

"No, let's do something else."  Sarah leaned against her bed, idly tracing patterns in the carpet.  "We played beauty makeover yesterday."

"Yeah, you're right, Sarah.  We need new makeup for that, anyway."  Jimmy squinted appraisingly at his friend.  "You're really more of an autumn."  He tapped his chin.  "Maybe we could hold a tea party?  Franny Foo-Foo still needs to be introduced to our other dollies."

"We can't," Sarah grumbled, "my mom won't let me use her teapot anymore, thanks to my stupid brother."  She sighed, then scooted over to her dollhouse.  "I guess we _could_ still play dollies, though.  Here, I'll be Laney O'Neal, the world-famous trial lawyer, and you can be her assistant."  She picked up her favorite doll, and pressed a second one into Jimmy's hands.  "Let's go, Junior Assistant Jimmy!  Bring me my trial stuff and make it snappy!"

Jimmy halfheartedly moved his doll.  "Ooh, I know, Sarah!  Why don't we color?  I just got a great deal on a really rare Mr. Happy Bunny World coloring book!"  He pulled out a book covered in cheerfully frolicking rabbits, and flipped to the first page.  "Aw, look Sarah – it's all white and boring in Happy Bunny World!  Don't worry, Mr. Bun-Bun, we'll give you pretty new colors in no time!"

"Forget it, coloring's stupid!"  Sarah thrust the 'junior assistant' doll back towards Jimmy.  "Come on, let's play dollies!"  She opened a nearby box, revealing a wealth of doll clothes within.  "I'll even let you be the wardrobe designer this time!"

Jimmy glanced longingly towards the box, then shook his head.  "All we have are sun-dresses and casual wear, Sarah."  He sniffed disdainfully.  "We'd need more power suits for a lawyer wardrobe.  Please can't we color instead?"  As Sarah's eyes narrowed, he added, "Or maybe you could play dollies, and I'll color right here next to you?"

They paused, blinking at each other.  Finally, Sarah laughed nervously.  "That's silly, Jimmy, why would we do two different things?"

"You're right, Sarah."  Jimmy gave an embarrassed smile.  "I'm sorry – it's that darned humidity outside!  I just can't think clearly when my hair's all frizzy!"  Still, he made no move towards Sarah or their dollies.

Sarah giggled.  "It's okay, Jimmy, bad hair days can really mess things up, can't they?"  She made no move towards Jimmy or his coloring book.

"Yeah."

"Yeah."

The minutes stretched on.  "Well, I guess we _could_ try doing different things, for a little while…"  Each carefully avoiding the other's eyes, Sarah turned back to her dolls while Jimmy sat down with his coloring book.

Silence reigned for long moments.  Finally, Sarah cleared her throat.  "So…uh…that's a collector's item?  I didn't know there _were_ such things as rare coloring books, Jimmy."

"That's because you wouldn't know a rare-edition coloring book from a kiddy menu," Jimmy muttered under his breath.  Guiltily, he coughed and spoke up.  "Believe it or not, Sarah, those brainless Eds sold it to me – for only fifty cents!"  As Sarah eyed him skeptically, Jimmy grinned.  "They think they're so smart – they must not have known how much it was really worth!"  He preened smugly.  "Who's the _real_ scam-artist of the neighborhood?"

A dubious look crossed Sarah's face, but then she brightened.  "Nah, I know – Double-D must've made 'em sell it to you 'cause he knows you're my friend."  Still holding the 'Laney O'Neal' doll, she picked up the junior assistant and made the two hold hands.  "He's always making their scams obvious when _I'm _around so I won't fall for them."  She sighed happily.  "He's so – "  Her reverie was interrupted by the sound of ripping paper.  Surprised, she looked over at Jimmy.

"Hehe, oops."  Jimmy blushed as he looked at the page he'd been coloring.  A blue-edged, inch-long tear slashed its way across Mr. Bun-Bun's face.  Jimmy quickly slipped the pieces of broken crayon into his pocket and flipped to the next page.  "Guess I don't know my own strength, huh!  Good thing I've still got the rest of the…book…to…"  His face suddenly went as white as the pages he stared at.

"Jimmy?  What's wrong?"  Concerned, Sarah moved in for a closer look.  "You don't look too – "  She cut off with a gasp as she saw what Jimmy was looking at.  "_ED_!!"

Jimmy sniffled as he thumbed through the rest of the book, filled with nothing but crudely drawn bunnies facing off against equally unimpressive aliens, monsters…and chickens.  "Oh, darn my trusting nature!"

Sarah stood, her face flushing a dangerous shade of red.  "Come on, Jimmy, let's go teach those three nimrods a lesson!  They won't be so happy after they've eaten every single one of those pages!"

"No, why bother, Sarah?"  Jimmy sadly closed the book.  "They'll never stop scamming us, no matter what we do."  He wistfully traced the image on the cover as Sarah looked on.

Mr. Bun-Bun and his friends looked so happy.  _They_ didn't have to worry about stupid scams, or idiot brothers, or long, boring days with nothing to do.  Why, there probably wasn't even any humidity in Bunny World to mess up their pretty bunny fur.

"I wish _we_ lived in Bunny World," they sighed in unison.

            ***********************************************************************

Edd hummed to himself as he added a pair of knee braces, an economy-sized bottle of iodine, and a collapsible bathtub to the rapidly-growing pile of items he was assembling.  Eddy looked on in disgust.  "Explain it to me again, Double-D – _why_ are we making this 'Tornado Survival Kit'?"

"You can never be too careful, Eddy!  Mother Nature can be quite unpredictable at times – why, I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who wish they had a Tornado Survival Kit."  Edd crossed several items off his checklist.  "It's simply good sense to be prepared, you know."

"Yeah, right."  Eddy rolled his eyes.  "You of all people should know we _never_ get twisters here.  I'd be surprised if we even got a dust devil!  _I _know what the real problem is."  He poked Edd in the chest.  "You're a chicken!  One stupid little Weather Channel show about the '_Deadly Effects of Tornadoes_,'" this last was said in a mockingly dramatic tone, "and you go all sweaty in the pits about getting blown away to Neverland!"  He grinned slyly and flapped his 'wings'.  "Bwoock, bwooock-bwock!"

"Eddy, please!"  Edd darted a nervous glance at Ed.  "You know how hazardous it is to make poultry references in Ed's presence!"  After a few anxious but uneventful moments, he sighed in relief and turned indignantly towards Eddy.  "And for the record, I'm _not_ afraid, I'm simply prudent.  If – aigh!"

"Hello, Prudence!  I am Ed!"  Ed shook Edd's hand vigorously enough to knock him off his feet.  He peered closely at Edd.  "Wow, you look just like my pal, Double-D!  Only taller!"

"Knock it off, Ed," Eddy growled.  "And both of you, shut your yaps, will ya?  We've got a date with the candy store!"  He pulled two shiny quarters out of his pocket and snickered.  "Boy, what a sap!"

"Eddy, have you no compassion?"  Edd shook his head, appalled.  "I mean, really – selling that sham of a coloring book to poor Jimmy was beyond inconsiderate!  Why, just think of it, Eddy – think of the disappointment Jimmy will endure when he discovers our deception!  Think of the heartbreak!  Think of – "

"Oh no!" Ed gasped.  "Think of the pain for poor Ed, Edd, and Eddy when Sarah finds out!"  He swept his friends up and started looking for a hiding place.  "Think of the – "

"Ed!  Shut up!"  Eddy squirmed out of Ed's grip.  "Why are _you_ thinking at all?!  _I'm_ the brain of this outfit, _you're_ the opposable thumb!  So let the brain," he said, pointing to his own forehead, "do the thinking!"

Edd raised an eyebrow.  "Oh, _you're_ the brain, are you?  Then what would that make me?  Uh, never mind, don't answer that."  Eddy smirked and shut his mouth.  "A-at any rate, Ed is certainly right to be concerned, Eddy.  You know Sarah has a penchant for, ah, creatively dire retribution."  He shuddered.  "So if you'll excuse me, I really should be getting back to work.  I don't want to be caught unprepared when the suburban weather conditions – or Sarah – decides to have a shift in temperament."

Double-D's remark flipped on the switch connected to the light-bulb hanging over Eddy's head.  "Double-D, that's it!"  He slung an arm around Edd's shoulders and pulled him close.  "We'll make more of those Tornado things and sell them for cash!  Our slogan will be," he waved his free hand in an arc, "_You don't want to be caught unprepared when the suburban weather conditions decide to have a shift in temperature!"_

"Uh, that was 'temperament,' Eddy."  Edd looked at him hesitantly.  "And to tell you the truth, I doubt the other inhabitants of this cul-de-sac have any regard for their personal safety whatsoever, unless they are themselves IN a frightening situation already, in which case of course they would care for nothing more than their own personal safety."  He waited patiently for Eddy to puzzle through this statement.

"Hey!"  As Eddy finally caught Edd's meaning, his eyebrows rose in excitement.  "Believe it or not, you're right, Sock-head!"

Edd nodded.  "I'm glad you're willing to acknowledge that, before we spent any more time on yet another pointless – "

Eddy cut Edd off mid-sentence.  "_I_ sure don't care about safety, so why should they?  It's just stupid!  So you know what?  We're not going to protect people from tornadoes, we're going to get rid of them!"

Ed perked up.  "Get rid of people?  Like in 'The Sandwich that Ate Des Moines'?  Cool!  I'll be the terrible olive loaf demon!"  He towered over Edd and Eddy, growling like an angry slice of olive loaf.

Edd stepped back.  "Um, no Ed, I believe Eddy is implying that we get rid of tornadoes."  He frowned at Eddy as he added, "Although I must admit, I could really use some further explanation as to what you mean, Eddy."

"What I mean is," Eddy grabbed the end of Edd's hat, wrapped it around him several times, then gave a sharp tug and let go.  Double-D wailed in alarm as he spun around the room like a top.  "We'll _make_ tornadoes, and then charge kids to get rid of 'em!  And this time, our slogan will be '_Ed's Tornado Removal:  Sometimes you can't help but be unprepared!"_

"Ooh!  Ooh!"  Ed clapped his hands.  "Watch, Eddy – I am a good tornado, too!"  He held out his arms and began rotating quickly.  "A-OOO-gah!"  Furniture went flying as Ed whirled around the room until, finally, he tripped over his feet and fell to the ground.  He wobbled slightly as he sat up.  "We're off to see the pizza delivery guy!"

"Ed, that was perfect!"  Eddy slapped him on the back. "You do that outside, and we'll be rolling in the cash!"  He snickered as he watched Edd spin slowly to a halt, waver, then keel over next to Ed.  "Whaddya say, Sock-head?  Not bad, eh?"

"I honestly can't decide which of you makes a better natural disaster, Eddy."  Edd gazed at the ceiling and waited for the room to stop spinning.  Queasily, he shut his eyes and muttered, "What I really need is an Overly-Rambunctious Friends Survival Kit…"


	2. The Trouble With Windfalls

Authors' Note:  Sorry for the delay on this one!  We've not given up on this story, although the fates _have_ been conspiring against the completion of this particular chapter – first there was the Email Mixup, then there was the Having of Other Stuff To Do, and then there were the Cheerios.  Oh, god, the Cheerios.  *Zephyr shudders, oblivious to the fact that nobody else seems to get that*  Um, anyway, sorry for the overlarge lagtime between getting Chs. 1 and 2 out – the gods and the good folks at General Mills willing, there won't be quite such a delay between Chapters 2 and 3!  And, as always, thanks for reading this, we hope you enjoy!

~Zeph and Wizzard  
*****  
"But Eddy, I want to be a tornado!"  Ed plopped down on the grass, his lower lip quivering.  "Tornado, Eddy!"

"I already told you, Ed, you can do your stupid tornado thing later!  Now, come on!"  Eddy tried, without success, to drag Ed to his feet.  "We already got fifty cents, that's enough for…uh…"  After a few moments of counting on his fingers, he gave up and elbowed Edd.  "Hey Sock-head, try to keep up, will ya?"

Edd sighed.  "At a nickel apiece, Eddy, that would be ten jawbreakers – more than we've managed to acquire all summer, in fact.  And much as it astounds me to say it, Ed, Eddy's right – we really _should_ enjoy this ill-gotten windfall before – "

"_Windfall_!  Oh, come on, guys!  I am a great windfall!"

"Nice going, Words_worthless_," Eddy grumbled.  "We're never gonna get him up if you keep yapping about tornadoes!"

"A windfall isn't a tornado, Eddy, it's – oh, never mind."  Edd shook his head as Eddy's eyes glazed over.  "At any rate, don't you think it would be simpler to just _let_ Ed perform his tornado routine now, if it will keep the peace?  Let's call it a practice run, shall we?"  He turned to Ed before Eddy could respond.  "Go ahead, Ed, we're watching!  Give us your best tornado impression!"

Ed leapt to his feet.  "Impressed you will be with my impressive impression!"  He laughed as he began spinning around.

Edd clapped his hands together.  "My, Ed, that's a wonderful tornado!  Why, I feel like I should be running for shelter!"  He giggled as he turned to Eddy.  "Do you see, Eddy?  Note how well things work when you actually take your friends' feelings into consideration!  Now that Ed's happy, he'll surely come willingly to – "  He jumped as a loud cracking and ripping noise came from behind him.  "Uh…I really don't want to know what that was, do I?"

Eddy snickered.  "Oh, I think you do."  He whirled Edd around so he could see what had happened.

*****

Sarah lined up her three scruffiest teddy bears.  "I still say we should clobber those morons, Jimmy."  She used her Laney O'Neal doll to knock the three over.

"Anger leads to excessive oil build-up and blocked pores, Sarah, it's not worth it."  His coloring book now in the trashcan, Jimmy was once more playing dollies with Sarah.  He moved his 'junior assistant' doll next to Laney.  "Come on, maybe we can come up with a decent lawyer wardrobe for our dollies after all!"

"Oh, all right – but Ed's gonna be grounded forever when I tell Mom what – " she cut off with a startled cry as the house shook beneath her.

Jimmy clung to her arm.  "Earthquake!"  Shivering, he added, "And me with my pedicure appointment this afternoon, darn it!"

Sarah's eyes narrowed as a familiar laugh came from outside.  "I don't think that was an earthquake, Jimmy."  With an ominous growl, she stood and looked towards the window.  "Let's go see what's going on!"  Dragging Jimmy behind her, she stomped over and looked outside.

*****

"Ed!!"  Edd's eyes went ringed as he took in the scene before him.  "What in heaven's name are you doing?"

"I am Cyclonops, the one-eyed windfall!"  Ed shut one eye and continued whirling around.  "I will blow this house to kingdom come!"

Edd wrung his hands.  "Oh, curse the inadequate foundational fastenings of his house!  Don't you dare, Ed!  You put your house back right this minute!"

"But Double-D, you said I could be a tornado!"

"But – "

"That's right, Sock-head, you did!"  Eddy laughed and slapped Edd on the back.  "Boy, Double-D, you sure showed me!  Things go a whole lot better when we let Ed do what he wants, huh!"

Edd shot Eddy an agitated look.  "Eddy, couldn't you at least help me to calm Ed down before you commence with rubbing my ill-advised comments in my face?" 

"Yeah, all right, since I gotta do _everything_ around here – but stick around, you and me have a lot of gloating to catch up on!"  Eddy grinned smugly as he turned to Ed.   "Hey Burr-head, give it a rest, will ya?  Save it for the paying customers!"

"Okee-dokie, Eddy!"  Ed stopped spinning.  "Haha, that rhymed!  Only it didn't!"

Edd glanced gratefully at Eddy, then looked back at Ed.  "Y-yes, Ed, very good, now please, just put your house back where you found it before – "

"ED!!!"  Sarah and Jimmy appeared in her window, Jimmy smirking gleefully at what was to come.  Edd and Eddy did their best to look innocent, while beneath the house Ed froze in terror.  "What did you nitwits do?  Where's Ed?"

"Would you give your mouth a break for once, Sarah?  Jeez!"  Eddy sauntered up to stand directly beneath the window.  "Ed's not here – and _we_ didn't 'do' anything!  Didn't you hear the weather report?"  He kicked a stone at Ed to get his attention and hissed, "Start spinning, you idiot!"  As Ed obeyed, Eddy followed the window around.  "You're caught in a tornado!"

Behind him, Edd looked skywards.  "Oh, please, Eddy, nobody's going to fall for – " As Jimmy's squeal of terror cut him off, he sighed.  "You know, just once I'd like to be able to finish a statement without being proven wrong…"

"Chalk it up to comedic timing, Sock-head!"  Eddy shoved Edd out of the way as he yelled up Sarah.  "You two brats – er, I mean…uh…yeah, okay, brats – are in luck!  It just so happens that we've figured out a way to stop tornadoes!  For just two lousy quarters, we'll get you and your house back safe and sound, whaddya say?"

"Forget it, Eddy, we ain't paying you anything!  We're not scared of your pathetic 'tornado,' are we Jimmy?"

Suddenly Ed's voice rose from beneath the house.  "Oh, come on, Sarah!  Aren't I a good tornado?"  Once more, he came to a wide-eyed halt.  "Oops."

"HA!"  Sarah's voice was triumphant.  "I _knew _it was you, Ed!  Oooohhh, you're in big trouble, Mister!"

Ed began running, the house still perched on his shoulders.  "No!  Don't tell Mom, Sarah!"

"Oh dear!  Ed!  Wait, come back!"  Edd hurried after Ed.  "Come on, Eddy, we've got to stop him before he causes still further damage!"

"Wait!  What about my money?  What about the candy store?  Oh, come on – I've still got two quarters here!"  Seeing that his friends weren't going to stop, Eddy stuck his hands in his pockets and slouched along after them.  "Somebody better come up with a way for me to make some cash off of this…"

*****

Sarah rested her chin in her hands and looked out the window.  "That stupid idiot!  I don't think he even realizes he's still carrying us."  She frowned as the house began to slow, and once more she shouted, "I'm gonna get you, Ed!"  The pace immediately picked back up, and she snickered.

"How long do you think he'll keep running, Sarah?"  Jimmy didn't look nearly as amused.  "My tummy feels fluttery from all this bouncing around!"

Sarah's grin turned to a look of concern as she noticed Jimmy's greenish hue.  "I'm sorry, Jimmy, I'll make him stop right now.  Come on, you should get some fresh air!"  Putting an arm around Jimmy, she began leading him over to the window when the house came to a jarring halt.  "What the heck's going on?"  As the house trembled beneath her, she looked back outside.

The Kankers were coming up fast on a very rickety-looking bicycle.  The thing seemed to have been broken in half at one point, as the crossbar connecting the two wheels was now reinforced by a broomstick and a ridiculous amount of masking tape. Sarah shared a wicked grin with Jimmy.  "Ooh, _this_ should be fun!"  Both of them crowded at the window for a better look.

*****

"Well, well, what do we have here?"  Lee put her foot down and brought the bike to a halt right before Edd and Eddy.  Neither boy moved, although Edd shook visibly.

"Look, Lee, they must be bringing us a present!"  May eyed the house and giggled.  "Gee, Eds, you shouldn't have!"

"Sure they should!"  Marie swept Edd up in a crushing hug, ignoring his frantic escape attempts.  "These rotten husbands of ours haven't been around in days!"  Frowning, she held him out at arm's length and eyed him suspiciously.  "You Eds aren't two-timing us, are ya?"

Edd was trying to stammer out a response when Eddy came to his aid.  "Let him go, Marie, he ain't your husband!"  Even redder-faced than usual, he puffed out his chest and tried to stand tall.  "Why don't you three get back on your bike and go find some toads to boil or something?"

Lee grinned delightedly.  "Ooh, I love it when you get feisty, Eddy!"  Still making kissy lips at him, she turned and slapped her sister.  "Do what he says, Marie!  How are we supposed to chase 'em around if you've already caught one?"  Marie grumbled but obeyed, and Edd scrambled back to duck behind Eddy.  Giggling evilly, all three sisters advanced.

"I-I don't think they were impressed by your bravado, Eddy…"  Edd peered anxiously over Eddy's shoulder.

"So tell me something I don't know, Count Trembula!"  Eddy edged backwards, nudging Edd along behind him.  "At least I tried, I don't see _you_ hatching any great escape plans!"

"Hatching?  Like chickens?"  Edd and Eddy both jumped as Ed, forgotten behind them, laughed excitedly.  "Oh!  Please can we go see the escaping chickens, Eddy?  Please please oh please?"

Double-D glanced back.  "Um, Ed?  D-don't you think we have more pressing concerns at the moment?"

"Like what, Double-D?"  Ed looked out from beneath the house.  The Kankers' feet were just visible.  "Oh yeah."  Putting on his best 'Cyclonops' face, he hefted the house even higher.  "Don't worry, guys, I am on the road again!"

*****

"Come on, Jimmy, let's go downstairs so we can get a better view!"  Just as Sarah was turning to go, the house gave a horrid lurch.  Her brother's voice rose up from below.

"Die, foul mutants from Iowa!"

Jimmy clung to her wrist.  "What's he talking about, Sar – AAAH!"  Suddenly the house jerked forward again, more violently this time.  Jimmy and Sarah's startled yells echoed the ones coming simultaneously from outside.  As the house tumbled end over end, Jimmy collided with Sarah, knocking her into the wall.  She struck her head and slid motionless to the floor.

Finally, the house lay silent.  Long moments passed, during which the only sound was Jimmy's terrified whimpering.  When Sarah stirred and opened her eyes, she saw only darkness, all the light bulbs being broken during the house's recent tumultuous move.  Somewhat disoriented, Sarah barely managed to get up, and started to fumble her way through the dark room.  

"Jimmy?  Where are you, Jimmy?" Sarah shouted, trying to find her way to her friend or to the nearest exit, whichever she found first. 

"I'm right here Sarah!"  Gratefully, she heard Jimmy's familiar voice coming from his customary place at her side.  "Careful, don't trip – your room must be a mess after what happened!  Try for the door, we need to get a little light in this place so we can see well enough to move without getting any owies." 

Sarah did as Jimmy asked, and went towards whatever direction she thought the door might be in. By luck, she managed to find her way to the doorknob.  She opened the door, ready to give her stupid brother a piece of her mind, but what she saw stopped her cold.  After a few moments, the silence was broken by the sound of Jimmy's voice: 

"I don't think we're in Peach Creek anymore, Sarah..."


End file.
